By the beginning of the 22nd century, a strange phenomenon began to affect the cup sizes of women.

Gone were the days of medium-sized chests, as women’s breasts began to split into only two sizes – A-cup and below, and E-cup and above. As a rift began to form between the two groups, they split into separate tribes – “Small Chests” and “Big Breasts”. The two tribes began to quarrel over what breast size was better, and a war which later became known as the “Boob Wars” broke out, embroiling the world in conflict. 87 years later, the war has begun to take its toll on the land and its people. The death toll continues to climb as a result of the hatred between the two tribes.

The secret organization of “Erorists”, known as Eagle, decides that it is time for the senseless war to end, by any means necessary.  They summon their best Erorist Takamura Manabu—a man well-known for his ability to fuck women from dusk until dawn—and order him to seduce the Queen of the Flat Chests, Teresa Premadasa, and the Queen of the Big Breasts, Milk Elioto, in order to bring the conflict to a close. Having trained his body (and his cock) day and night, Manabu accepts this challenge of a lifetime.

Boob Wars: Big Breasts VS Flat Chests is a fairly light-hearted game that owns up to its quirky premise and takes itself, and you, on a trip of ridiculous silliness with plenty of tongue-in-cheek humor revolving around the age old debate of bust size. The main character Manabu is actually somewhat fairly fleshed out for a nukige protagonist. As a self-proclaimed lover of both women and all breasts sizes, he earnestly puts forth his best effort to stop the war and bring peace to the two warring tribes. Even if you align yourself with one tribe, he continues to voice his honest feelings that both breast sizes are wonderful in their own ways. He is a lover, not a fighter, but he will do whatever is necessary to accomplish his mission of ending the decades long conflict.

As for the other characters, they all have their own personalities and character archetypes, but as typical of a nukige, they are only fleshed out enough to give you an overall sense of each girl. Suzuka, the head commander of the Flat Chests Tribe, is a headstrong tsundere that continually refuses to admit her true feelings once her sexual side is awakened. Sophia, the head commander of the Big Breasts Tribe, on the other hand, is a cool-headed woman who quickly awakens to her “womanly pleasures” and becomes a fairly rare archetype in visual novels – a woman who embraces her sexuality and isn’t afraid to act upon her sexual desires as she desires. I’m actually fairly disappointed in the fact that Sophia ended up not getting her own ending.

Teresa Premadasa, the Queen of the Flat Chests Tribe, is a vicious woman who climbed her way up the hierarchy and captured the throne from her predecessor through sheer power. Unafraid to dole out severe punishment to those who disappoint or betray her, she is a particularly unpopular monarch, and frequently refers to the Big Breasts Tribe as “brainless cow udders.” However, her ruthlessness has turned the tides of battle in the Flat Chest Tribe’s favor since she took over the throne. Milk Elioto, the Queen of the Big Breasts Tribe, is a meek and gentle woman, whose rule is held up by the intense love and devotion of her people, and the political backing of her ministers. Despite her demure nature though, Milk becomes an incredibly powerful and sadistic woman when under the influence of alcohol.

The game features a card battle system that fits well into the sparse story, and serves as a buffer between sex scenes, as well as sets the stage for the sex scene that presents itself after most of the battles. The gameplay and system itself is fairly easy and uncomplicated. Battles are turn-based, with each opponent getting an alternating attack and defense turn. Each card has its own value, with seven being the max, and you are able to play up to a maximum of three cards per turn. On occasion, you’ll also turn up “redraw” cards, where you can give up cards and redraw the same amount, and draw cards that give you three additional cards. One thing to keep in mind is that you can only have a maximum of seven cards, so if you use a draw card with five in your hand, not including your draw card, you’ll lose out on one.

Each side plays their cards, and whoever has the highest number “wins” the round. If an attacker has a higher number, they’ll deal damage to their opponent, and if a defender has a higher number, they will take little to no damage, depending on the number difference and opponent. The battles will continue until one side’s HP reaches zero. While you will get a game over if you lose, with the exception of Dominatrix Milk’s battle in her route, which nets you a pretty nice femdom scene, you are able to retry a battle as many times as needed until you net a victory.

Having played card games since I was in elementary school, I went through a Pokémon phase that lasted years and eventually delved into Magic the Gathering and several others, so I have a particularly fond love of the genre. Unfortunately, while the card system wasn’t terrible, it didn’t quite meet the challenge level I was hoping for. Battles required almost no skill or strategy, and came down almost entirely to the luck of the draw. I won almost nearly every battle by simply spamming the highest card numbers I had every turn, and in the few instances I did lose, I usually won the next round by utilizing the same exact strategy. As far as I could tell, the A.I. utilized almost no discernible play pattern, such as defending heavily and attacking lightly, that I could use to my advantage when selecting my card choices. Most of the time I’d just pick my strongest numbers, hit confirm, and then check Twitter or read articles while the turn played out. It did, however, serve as a nice break between scenes. After you get all three endings, a “Free Battle Mode” unlocks where you can play the card battle system as much as you’d like, against the opponent of your choice.

The art itself was overall pretty decent, featuring a soft color palette and cute character designs. In fact, in addition to the card battle system, one of the things that drew me into trying the game was the art. The sex scenes were also fairly pleasing to look at, and the occasional animated scene’s were done well, with no discernable clipping from what I could see. Great attention to detail was also put in the girls breasts and nipples. However, the quality of the uncensored naughty bits varied a great deal, and there were times that I felt like the CGs might have been better off being censored with how freakish and unsexy looking the genitalia looked. At times, Manabu’s cock looked like an unsexy slab of lines with varying sizes, and the girls pussies varied from looking fairly fleshy and pleasing to look at, to lines that were barely visible to the eye.

On the other technical aspects, the voice acting was also fairly decent, but they eventually began to grate on me due to the fact that most of the girls had higher pitched voices that got really shrill and loud quite frequently during sex scenes. I was also surprised that both Big Breast Tribe women, Sofia and Milk, had very high pitched voices, while the only moderate voice was Suzuka. If you’re into the loud, squeaky voices, you’ll probably really enjoy the voice acting, but I found that they were a bit over the top, and I eventually had to turn the voices off.

The music was actually one of the better parts of the visual novel, featuring upbeat tracks that fit with the overall feel of the game. Out of all of the tracks, I particularly liked the battle music, which was a fast-paced techno track that fit well. In fact, I found myself sitting on quite a few battles just to enjoy the song for a bit. The opening song was also fairly catchy. The only gripe I have about the OST was that I felt like it could have used a couple more tracks, particularly during the sex scenes, and the main sex scene song would have probably been better off without the guitar riffs that I felt dulled an otherwise decent track.

This game is dripping in plenty of food analogies to describe various sexual parts. I’m craving a hot pocket now.

Now, onto the “meatier” part of the game – the sex scene details. As befitting of a nukige, the game is packed to the brim with scenes, covering about 85% of the game, with the rest being minor story filler and card battles. The scenes themselves were fairly detailed and interesting, with a good bit spent on describing the sexual acts and some minor story/character development rather than a constant stream of noises. In particular, I found Milk’s femdom scene to be very well done, and I tend to be fairly picky with that particular fetish. The game covers a variety of vanilla fetishes, with quite a few threesome scenes, some femdom, tame rape, tit fucking, anal, bondage, toy play, blowjobs, etc. There’s also a harem ending, where you get to enjoy a gangbang involving all four of the heroines.

At times though, the writing became borderline ridiculous, with phrases such as meat pot, shish kebab, corn dog, dick juice, honey pot, vag, firm thing, bags of fat, and everything in between being used to describe sexual scenes. A variety is good in order to reduce redundancy in scenes and add spice, but at times it killed the sexy factor and had me raising my eyebrows. While I feel like this kind of went hand-in-hand with the games laissez-faire attitude towards its themes, and meshed well with the comedy aspects, it did, in my opinion, kill the “fap factor” at times.

Overall, Boob Wars: Big Breasts VS Flat Chests was a fairly fun and generally light-hearted time killer. I went in expecting a cute, mindless comedic title with some gameplay and lots of sexy time thrown in, and I got exactly what I expected. While it didn’t excel in any particular area, it still managed to present a decent title with somewhat pleasing art, music, sex, and gameplay. If you’re looking for a short title that has lots of decent fap material and a battle system that won’t have you smashing your head into the desk—or you’re just looking for something that won’t require much thought process—then the title might be worth checking out. After all, what greater, more nobler cause is there than fighting (and fucking) for breast equality?