Originally, I was going to title this piece “Your Waifu – Why She Is Shit and What You Can Do About It”. After a short period of deliberation, however, I realized there is, in fact, NOTHING you can do about it.

This is because your waifu, also known by Your Waifu, You’re Waifu, ur waif, “Whore”, “Slut”, “Sucky Sucky 3 Dorrah”, “The Tempting Tokyo Tit Dispenser”, and “The Bicycle of Tehran” is utterly, irredeemably trash.

“Nonsense!” you might gasp, pathetic neckbeard soul trembling in shock and horror. Surely, surely, your dream anime cartoon girl is a paragon of feminine beauty, an idol of perfect purity amidst the sea of rot that is the modern world filled with these disgusting 3DPD women. And yes, it is true. Compared to the average 3DPD whore roaming the filthy streets of today, your waifu might look good. Great, even, but we cannot be held to so low a standard!

Then again some of these 3DPD sluts are just absolutely fantastic, too. Unlike your waifu.

So, in the spirit of enlightening you, my dear reader, I have taken this cross upon myself and thoroughly examined your waifu (you owe me, she’s a bit of an eyesore), taken the appropriate notes, and will now proceed to expound, at length and with the severest of arguments – why she is, in fact, shit.

Let’s not waste any more time:

Your Waifu is Ugly as Sin

Pic related – your waifu after some direct facial intervention by yours truly. Her attractiveness score went up by 25% and we’re seeing moderate progress.

There’s no two ways around it. Your waifu is one ugly whore. She breaks mirrors by staring into them and scares cats and dogs into a frenzy when she wanders past lawns. People confuse her with a burn victim and try to get her to the ER, then are horrified when she explains that this is how her face looks like.

“Hold on!” you might interject, because your mother never taught you to shut up when your superiors are monologuing. “It is impossible for an anime girl to be conventionally ugly, and so my waifu cannot, in fact, be a total and complete oozing sore on Mother Earth’s fair, lovely brow.”

That so? Behold, the abyss!

Admittedly, your waifu doesn’t look THIS bad, unless you picked your waifu from an AJTilley game. In which case you should seriously reexamine your life so far.

Your Waifu is a Total Slut

Artist’s depiction of your waifu hard at work on a Sunday morning.

There’s no two ways about it. Your waifu? She’s a turbo-slut. A cock-sucking monster. An experienced cum guzzler. She’s single-handedly taken more cock than all the whores in Innocent Gray’s Cartagra (fantastic VN, by the way), and man did that game feature a lot of whores. Remember that scene in Full Metal Jacket where Adam Baldwin cucks that black guy and takes the Asian prostitute for himself? Your waifu puts that Viet chick to shame.

You gotta give it to your waifu, though. She can suck a mean dick.

Pictured – your waifu’s vacuum technique, available for a mere $2.99 USD.

Your Waifu Is Worst Girl

At least she’s not as bad as Kirino. Unless your waifu IS Kirino, in which case holy shit, what is WRONG with you?

Your waifu is objectively the worst possible girl in whatever show she’s from. She’s Kirino from Oreimo. She’s Asuka from Evangelion. She’s Sakura from Fate/Stay Night. Her grating personality, irredeemable ugliness, terrible characterization, and all around general incompetence make her the bane of her particular Chinese cartoon. People write fan fiction for the specific purpose of removing your waifu from the storyline, having her get hit by a truck, and getting her gang raped by packs of feral goblins. She is that bad.

Pictured – literally everyone who watched your waifu ruin yet another good anime series.

I Fucked Your Waifu

A fair description of events.

I suppose this isn’t an indictment against your waifu, personally. God knows I am notoriously difficult to resist, and of course that goes quadruple for a demented bitch woman like your waifu who basically enters into heat and starts ovulating at the mere whiff of a cock.

Pictured – your waifu’s face when I unzipped.

An Intermission – “Why Are You Doing This!?”

t. your waifu

You may question my motives. What kind of utter madman goes on a thousand-word rant detailing why someone else’s imaginary cartoon girlfriend is just awful in every possible way? A sane madman, I will say. I am not just a writer. Not just even a mere journalist of breast-based software; I am a philosopher, an instrument of God’s higher thought made form in man, and after much deliberation I have deemed it necessary for the public at large to know of your — yes, YOUR — shit taste in Chinese cartoon women so that they may know not to repeat the same mistakes in life that led you to such a dark path and to such a shit, shit waifu.

Consider it a service. You’ll be better off for it.

Your Waifu Is a Morally Reprehensible Person

Pictured – your waifu on a good day.

Let’s face the facts – your waifu is just bad. By all accounts, she is a terrible, terrible person. Rumor pegs her as the head of multiple crime syndicates, in league with the Fed, the IMF, Paris Club, NWO, Illuminati and Majestic 12 in destroying world finance, and as the inventor of decaffeinated Diet Coke. Some even say she raped and killed a girl behind an Arby’s in 1992, but anybody who steps up to investigate mysteriously disappears. You should not associate with your waifu. It reflects badly on you and may even put your family in danger.

Your Waifu Doesn’t Exist

I’m sorry.

I am… sincerely sorry. This is something that cuts deep into the heart of every insufferable weeaboo such as yourself. It wounds me by proxy, truly. I am not a cruel man, but we must face the facts, my dear reader.

Your waifu is not real. She does not exist. She is but a mere construct of your diseased imagination, a phantom, a hallucination, an illusion born from your deep-seated need for companionship that clashes with your disgust with the fallen world around you! A mere construct, she can never be more than gossamer thought, and any love you hold for her is fake, ugly, unreal and dishonest. Break this illusion, slash through the madness and gaze at reality again! Repent the folly of ascribing meaning to the void!

MY waifu is TOTALLY real though. Sucks to be you!

“Well, What Can I Do?”

Pictured – you, presumably.

I’m afraid, dear reader, that the cancer is terminal. There is nothing you can do. A crack team of our top scientists has researched this issue in depth, and after countless experiments, gene splicing, anomalies, and the occasional Zerg infestation of an entire planet, they have concluded that there is no cure for being the worst girl to ever, ever exist. I’m afraid, then, that I must declare…

Thank you, Saber. You’re pretty fantastic.