Going in dry

Review: 8-Bit Dick

No, it's not a Detective Game

Disclosure: First off, I’d like to thank Mikandi for throwing us a few digital sheckles in order to buy this game on their app store mikandi.com

8-Bit Dick introduces itself with the title. Yes, it’s done in 8-bit graphics, but no, you will find the wank bank somewhat empty with this title. It’s… very niche; a lewd game that has decided to take itself away from the visual bit. With me so far?

Ok so, as you can imagine, I’m going to expect some seriously sexy humour. (Yes, America, I used a “u”. Get used to it) I’m also going to expect a title to download and install on an average phone. One out of two, then….

Perhaps I’m a nit-picker here. Am I wrong in expecting a Samsung S2 with 2 gigs of onboard memory to be able to at least install? Perhaps if I turned off every app, uninstalled anything that might take up system memory and say a prayer? Bit of an ask. Tell you what, I’ll borrow my girlfriend’s uberphone and forget about whether the game is optimized and assume it isn’t. Insisting on having 1 gig of free memory seems a bit much for an install in my estimations.

Oh, this screen is huge…nice…I want a Note2…no fair…

Right, lets actually give this game a review…

The 8-bit graphics are authentic, the sound isn’t. (more 16-bit than 8-bit. Try 3 channels and forget about using sound samples) …. This is what happens when you get a bad first impression. Other things seem worse than they are….note to self – I must try and be more forgiving…

Ok lets try this again…this time lets look to the good. Its funny! Yes, it’s got a take on film names, taking the tabloid-style play on words, all the tongue in cheek that many games miss, regardless of “lewdity” (That’s MY word, not yours), and it keeps that up. From the dialogue, to even the actions, it lends towards the funny over the sexy, in the same vein as the 70s/80s horror movies that were limited in scare factor and more about silly dialogue and over-the-top scenarios.

You start out as an aspiring porn star, looking to get into the biz and show the world your junk. “Dick” is swaggering to a 70s/80s mustachioed, bare chested, medallion man look. This is going to be a play on the stereotypical and then some.

The game-play itself is comprised of an adventure side-scroller. go up stairs and open doors…collect the odd item…garnish really…but the story is fun and lends well to the title. The meat of the game comes from when you sign up for a “porn shoot”. The main event comprises of a Dance Dance/Guitar Hero/rhythm game type deal, 4 main buttons to press in sequence with various porn-centric icons, each representing an action expected of you. This is sequenced by icons coming down, with you being instructed to tap or swipe the screen at the correct time. Once you have tapped and swiped you way to porn success, you will then take on various situations/characters and positions. Like the old 8-bit games, the graphics are obviously more representative than accurate, the scratchy moaning noises remind you constantly of the 8-bit ethic that is here. And here’s the rub…..


Yes, it’s a style. Yes, it’s a graphical ethic and I applaud the attempt, I’m just not sure about who they are reaching. 8-bit, for me, is not a style, it’s a restriction. Its the sort of thing I looked at as a kid and said things like “I cant wait for 16-bit” Although “retro” is a thing and some people love this little nostalgic design ethic, I’m not sure it lends itself well to lewd gaming. Can I compare this to HuniePop for example? Fap Ninja? Would the developers feel I’d treated them unfairly by concentrating on this? Perhaps. One thing that might stick for me is this. It’s a rarity, perhaps. Not seen as the norm, all good things but in my estimations, not enough.

My reasoning is that the reward to the user is progression only. This is a problem for most rhythm games in general, the eye is led to the task at hand with onlookers getting most of the visual delight. This is not a negative of 8BD compared to other rhythm games but to the game style itself. What saves it is in fact the filling in between these main games. I appreciate the story portions rather than the game-play.

Yet at the end of the day, this is about the game rather than the graphics even when the game specifically mentions, in the title, that the graphics are a feature. As an old school gamer, we would reminisce about the fact that the older games were less about the graphics and more about the game-play. The main difference about this game and any other Guitar Hero wannabes is the context. I would say it holds its own in respect to me trying to compare. I cant find anything that would, so they have their own chair at the table.

To sum it up, this will fall one side of the fence or the other with you. Its not for everyone but it still has appreciable qualities that others will love. It’s about two dollars in Mikandi money so, it’s worth a look at that price. Although I feel I’ve been harsh, that may be down to my initial issue with getting it to install. If the creators are reading this, I would suggest looking at getting this to install better, as this is a major grievance to anyone paying money for a product that isn’t altogether taxing on most phones. You do yourselves a disservice by putting your customer in such a easily fixable position.


  • Original concept
  • Funny dialogue and story
  • Nostalgic
  • Bow-wow funk


  • Installation needs optimizing
  • Gameplay
  • Story
  • Sound
  • Quality
  • Value
  • Replay Value


Although It's initial install taints the product, it's funny and fun. Its not for everyone but of course, there's no accounting for taste.

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