If you haven’t realized this yet…this is a work of satire.

In response to the popularity of women and men around the world shoving Wiimotes in their orifices, and the success of Bayonetta 2 on the WiiU, Nintendo has taken a bold and unexpected turn into the adult gaming market.

Feeling that their audience is finally maturing due to an overabundance of Rule 34 featuring their licensed characters, the game company has chosen to abandon whatever innocence they have left in favor of their beloved core audience, showing for once that they actually give a shit about their fan-base. Dubbing the new device“Wii UrAnus”, the console features a new innovative joystick that allows for advance controls as you flex your muscles around the device. An example of this feature; the speed of the avatar you play can go from a walk with a light squeeze, to a fast sprint when clamping down harder around its bulbous shape. The new console also comes with a new Wiimote familiar in style to the previous model, but modified to be easier to clean without suffering damage underwater. It’s also capable of handling prolonged exposure to moisture or lubricants.

To answer fan complaints, Nintendo decided to address the hardcore gaming market by adjusting the sizes of their new “joystick” for those who want a deeper and tighter experience from their gaming sessions. The hardcore versions come with an increased diameter, as well as a bit more length to allow a nice snug fit for those with experience. Despite this idea, Nintendo believes that prolonged exposure to the hardcore version may be detrimental to your anal cavity. This issue has lead them to rethink their safety precautions such as giving a “shock” if you been using it too long; although, some concerns have come into play regarding this idea, since it’s more than likely people would enjoy that kind of sensation in the first place.

LewdGamer has approached Reggie Fils-Aime to see if he had anything to say regarding this issue.

“We don’t want our fans and newcomers to get hurt. This is a brand new direction for us. We want to get as much support as we possibly can. While Nintendo is indeed ready for any backlash we may receive, especially if those lashes are directed at my body — in particular my butt — we want to mitigate as many issues as possible. Apart from that though Reggie’s body is ready!”

– R. Fils-Aime

Shigeru Miyamoto, who has shown great excitement for this new project, had full oversight of the development of the new console. As he was given absolute freedom to do whatever he wanted, and implement any wild ideas he had planned without the need of approval. Initially; although, he found himself in a pinch with such access to new freedoms, Miyamoto managed to draw out inspiration from his own family to finalize the idea for the Wii UrAnus.

“When my company asked me to design yet another goddamned game device, at first I was pretty stumped. One evening though, my wife said “Honey, why don’t we try something different tonight?” It was an epiphany!”

-S.Miyamoto

Nintendo plans on doing much more with their new titles and will be creating their own lubricant for the new joystick called “Nintendo Game & Glide”; however, this new kind of lubricant has been delayed until further notice due to manufacturing issues. LG will continue to keep you up to date on the latest news regarding this unveiling. It’s clear Nintendo has recently made some big steps towards innovation and we look forward to Microsoft and Sony copying their ideas and failing horribly like they always do.

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