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Castlevania Pachinko: Sucking the Soul from the Franchise, and the Money from your Wallet


This is satire, so don’t take this shit too seriously.


For their latest in a series of profound executive decisions (including sacking one of the industry’s most prolific developers over a petty spat and cancelling what was sure to have been a worthy successor to the once-revered Silent Hill franchise), Konami has made the decision to take the famed Castlevania series in a brilliant new direction.


Castlevania is one of gaming’s veteran giants, with a storied history of enjoyably difficult games that challenged players to maneuver dangerous levels with careful precision. Just a few years back, Konami sought to “reboot” the franchise with the Lords of Shadow series (and by reboot I mean just turn it into God of War).

The reception of that turn was mixed; some die-hard fans voiced a few small complaints about how the new vision brought on by Lords of Shadow only just completely bastardized the entire point of the series, and their criticisms did not go unheard.

Taking the thoughts of their fans to heart, Konami has finally found the perfect solution for rectifying the disappointing gameplay— removing the gameplay altogether.

“We understand the concerns of players” says Vic Van Chucklefuck, head of Konami’s Video Game’s Bureau Gambling Department. “We did not want to keep disappointing our loyal fans with our games, so we decided to remove the “game” aspect of all future Castlevania titles. After all, you can’t fuck up the gameplay if there is no gameplay, right?”

Enter Akumajou Dracula Pachinko, a next-gen experience so streamlined that you only need to twist a knob to play it! (for five bucks a pop). Watch as tits and ass flash across your screen as you waste away your child’s college fund, revisiting your fond memories of when Castlevania used to be a videogame and wondering where life went so horribly wrong!

Watch as one of the industry’s longest running legends is reduced to the functional equivalent of dangling keys in front of a child!

There may be nothing resembling a Castlevania experience (let alone an interactive one), b-but at least there’s boobies. Right?


Continuing their recent trend of taking their beloved gaming franchises out behind the shed ole’ Yeller style, Konami is revamping their approach to the gaming market by getting the fuck out of the gaming market, with Castlevania being their most recent victim of entry to the pachinko scene.

“Gamers don’t have to be our audience; they just aren’t where the money is. Once we get our returns on Metal Gear Solid V and kick the rest of the ‘devs’ out to the curb, we can focus our efforts where they should be: cheap development of half-assed mobile games and pachinko machines.”

Vic sees a bright future for Konami. Maybe not for fans of Konami, though. Just Konami.

“Those who enjoy Konami titles will have a lot to look forward to in the coming months. Stay tuned for our upcoming Metal Gear/Farmville ripoff and Silent Hill match-three app for iPhone and Android, coming this fall!”

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LewdGamer writer and general naughty ne'er-do-well.

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