What follows is a work of satire. Don’t be a wet towel about it.

The humble cucumber has been a longstanding, subliminal message of our desire for the D: cylindrical, rigid and constantly primed for delicious, penetrating action. The average cucumber is so versatile, it can even double up as a light snack after climaxing; however, a challenger has appeared in the glorious amethyst contours of the aubergine (or eggplant, as it’s more commonly known in Burgerland).

Firstly, in regards to color, cucumbers have a very verdant-normative hue across their entire spectrum, whereas aubergines range from the most vibrant chlorophyllic green to the deepest damson purple. Perfect for those wishing to exotify something new.

The aubergine is also a more inclusive vegetable, as its moderate insertion difficulty ranges allow for maximum enjoyment from perverts of all skillsets. Some cucumber varieties, however, are reserved for the more elite degenerates.

For example, there’s the Armenian cucumber: novices often find the length with which its arc drones on to be insufferable. The gherkin, by comparison, is purely for those seeking a challenge and punishment beyond even that of an Armenian cucumber.

Most varieties of aubergine feature a bulbous tip, optimal for sublime G-spot stimulation for degenerates of all genders. These tips come in a range of sizes, so whether you’re a dainty little darling or a beefy bruiser, there’s something for everybody.

Despite all of its wondrous properties, however, the aubergine has been unfairly maligned as a symbol of oppression:

In our efforts to counteract this audacious claim, we have data which not only reinforces the aubergine’s top-spot in satisfactory masturbation league tables, but also suggests it is one of the most effective methods of finally catching the eye of that special someone.

In a study we conducted last Thursday, you can see below that the aubergine achieved the top cumulative score of 16.

To those who erroneously believe that the above graph is the only fruit of our labors, we’re not done yet! We also asked our study participants what they found endearing about their current love interests. We collated the answers, and behold what we found:

50% of the participants have an arguably unhealthy fixation on aubergines. Despite their less than reputable status on social media, it would appear aubergines are, in fact, a magnificent aphrodisiac and matchmaking tool in the proper hands.

This is nonetheless excellent news for me, as I often find my affections to be unrequited. With the mighty aubergine at my side, however, I may finally force Big Boss to notice me.